Broadcasting from First Delivery in Tempe, Arizona...

Cecily lost the key to the apartment, so now we have two new keys that don't work worth a shit. I don't understand why it's so hard to cut a key exactly the same, broken in and all?

A driver bought me a power ball ticket, but I'm not 21? I think if I won the power ball...I would donate almost all of it. That's a disgusting amount of money. I don't really like money? But, I guess it doesn't really matter because I would never win the powerball. Even though I have really awesome Karma, and the world loves me a shit ton because I'm really brilliant.

I started reading On the Road last night because Drew let me borrow it. He said it starts off slow but I think it starts off fine. It's not the kind of book I usually read, but to be honest I haven't really been doing much of any reading.

I keep thinking about living at ASU and it sounds like something I don't know if I want to do anymore. But, I think it will be a good experience for me and it's not like I'll have another chance to do it. Because really, how strange would it be to live in dorms ten years from now? Creeper status Krystal (holla).

I drew a picture of Ironman last night.

It looks bomb diggity.

I'm hungry, bye.

A couple of weeks later...

Alright so, I haven't updated in kind of a long time in the world of Krystal. There isn't much new except for (I guess) a newish (more like...just "enforced") state of mind. I feel...elated I guess would be the right word.

School IS OUT and I am enjoing this....HOWEVER...school is also back in on the 1st so...jfc fuck me, right? It's alright though, I'm really "bee-line" oriented. OH ALSO DEAR BLOGGER, I totally got A's and B's again. My GPA is so pretty, it makes me blush.

Something INCREDIBLY odd...I've gotten back in touch with Kevin Joel Rozell. I don't really know how I feel about it. He sent me like...three myspace messages, which I got kind of late because...well, who goes on myspace? Anyways, he apologized, blah blah blah. I told him I wasn't much of a myspacer, and so now we've been "texting". I'm not sure why "texting" is in quotes. I guess it's just because it seems ...idk, crass? Story onward....
But basically, him and his chick are still together, he constantly complains about her..and OH YEAH...I forgot...Kevin is going to be a dad in the end of August...............yup. Fucking. Weird. It's a girl, and her name is Chelsea. Really freaks me out. But yeah, Kevin is a pretty negative person and half of our conversations, I feel like a motivational mother trying to get her son's spirits up. That's kind of mean, but I don't know how else to explain it. HE's also hitting on my half of the time and I never return it and instead reply with things like..."Hey aren't you practically married and having a child soon?!" and also..."Uhm yeah, no you don't want to be with me Kevin, we're practically strangers"....Really man...I don't think so.

On a much more bitter sweet note (I guess that last paragraph was pretty bitter sweet as well?....*shrugs*), last night...I pretty much had a blasty blast. I kind of looked sloppy, but somehow it still worked out fine. Listening to hip hop and looking at art. Not to mention the bomb ass down time. I'm only just kind of worried that it's fleeting. Because...well, it always seems to be. But that's alright...because over the past year I have learned that A. I can never stay mad at Drew. And B. He almost always tries to do what is best. So, I guess I need to not be a faggot about it.

Another (brief) part of last night....
"Krystal 2 Young." <=====Weird

Also...BarefootFoodie....my favourite thing in the entire world right now as of late. Seriously, I have logged HOURS reading this womans blog....backwards..? Anyways, it's really brilliant, and she's fucking crazy...and I love her. Her life is rather normal...it's just, the way she conveys it to her readers is just fucking hilarious. Jealous of her mastered funny talents=me...fosho.

Turpentine

I'm obsessed with this Stevie Wonder song.

Irrelevant. So, I have to cancel on everyone in California...again. Shea is going to hate me. My mom told me the other day that she has no funds in order to make my car payments. I know its not her fault but I'm freaking out because I still have to pay for school. So, obviously there is no way to go on any trip. I don't even know if I am going to be able to afford school. I wish my parents weren't so broke. However, I did fill out my FAFSA, so maybe I can talk to MCC and it will somehow apply to summer school? Idk, all I know is that I need to get on it now that school is practically over. I have to finals next week and then I'm finished. I feel like victory. Thats just how I do bitch. :p

I have to go because I can't listen to Brandi Carlile and type at the same time.
The woman is a genius and she pulls on my heart strings. If you read me, listen to her.
Au Revoir

I feel as if I become more and more alone every day, but less and less lonely. This has never happened before. I think I'm just realizing that the friends I try to keep, are not my friends anymore. However, it really is going to be okay. Life has a funny way of preparing me for things. Thank you universe :]

I'm awesome

I need to stop drinking my weight in coffee when I'm at work because then I can never get to sleep at a reasonable hour. I finished my Power Point for Research Methods, I secured my A for Logic, now I just need to finish all of my grammar summaries for French. I feel so accomplished. Summer classes and then...ASU.

I tap my fingers waiting for what I know will happen. I listen to rhythmns fall and sigh and drive and crawl. I hear the air in a lung, maybe two. It all just depends and what you do. I tap my toes in a jog subdued. Jog in place and forward at once. They dance and weep, they run and leap. I watch my limbs as they're out of control. My face, it changes in a rigamarole. It laughs it, it cries, it seems perplexed, it smirks, it scowls, its imperfect. My mouth eats your words because it doesn't care. Doesn't care of your actions while I am there. We sang, we kissed, we loved and laughed. You left, I pondered, sat and sat. My fingers they still tap tap tap. Now what I think of you is crap crap crap. Hahaha. I'm so stupid

I'm trying to blog again and nothing I write is really that good yet. I hope you (the general public) read this (even though I'm sure its not many, nor any actual constant reading stranger), HOWEVER...please don't judge me.

Whatever. I'm awesome.

I miss blogging soo...

I think I'm (again) grasping onto something that I perhaps might be able to dub as rational and happy. I came to a strange realization the other night and it strikes me as not surprising. I feel like I always knew what it was doing to me and how I was projecting and just everything that I thought I understood but didn't. I feel like an older and much wiser Krystal was tugging on my ears from my shoulder trying to get my attention. I didn't want to listen to her because my heart was so "a'flutter". It was a sudden breath of fresh air. I felt like I had been under water for months, crying, hoping and mentally BEGGING for air. Finally, however, when I came to surface, I realized that I had actually chained myself to the bottom of the ocean floor, blaming God, friends, and anyone I could think of for letting me prune in the water. Salt is blinding let me tell you.

However, I feel like I'm back to myself again. I'm tired of this self deprication, I'm tired of looking at myself through eyes I perceive to be important, I'm tired of thinking and rethinking things I say, said, haven't said yet, wanted to say, forgot to say. IM SO TIRED. So, I am finished. Its the strangest kind of bliss. I was reading over blogs and I wish I could hug myself...actually. Not myself now, myself then. I think about this a lot when I think about things that happened in my life that continue to (at times) come up when ever a scent/song/feeling triggers a memory. I think about myself at that particular time and have the urge to time travel and hug little me, or 14 year old me, or 17 year old me, or even 4 months ago me. I sometimes think about people who commit suicide and one time I was thinking about this particular thing and realized how much respect I have for myself. I was contemplating why someone would off themselves and what in particular was keeping me from that same fate (not in a *depressing* sort of way, just more from an objective stand point) and you know...I just fucking care about my life and I want to affect people and love people and just....live out everything I can. Because here is the thing; I am really awesome, and other people are really awesome....and I love everything that happens in between.

Monday is not a funday

Soon, this semester will be over and I will jump in all kinds of directions in joy. I think I've got a better hold on things than I thought. Thank you Krystal for being responsible at the beginning of the semester. Boom. Boom.
Zing.

I don't know where I would be without my pink polka-dot planner.

Honey soy time. Oh snapz.

Krystal+Stumbleboo

Ah, I think I've hit a wall. I keep getting invited to go do things, but I keep making lame excuses not to go. A lot of it really DOES have to do with work, and Mathew really DID need to be picked up from his friend's house yesterday, but I keep blowing everyone off and I find no reason to stop. I just want to lay around my dads house and be pathetic. I've also hit a wall with school. I have a shit ton of stuff I need to do and I keep thinking about it, but I can't bring myself to do ANYTHING. I just blog about it I supposed. I'm in a weird shlump of woman emotions and its making me act stupid.

If I could major in Stumbleupon and hang out with Stumbleupon, then I wouldn't have a problem.

Blackbird Singing In The Dead Of Night

Its been a long week. I have a lot of things to do. I attempted amends with people who didn't want to hear it. It was mostly my fault to be honest, but there are wounds within me that cannot be fixed. I am not intent on trying to have anything go back to the way they used to be. I don't miss them like I thought I always would. People fall apart and I'm okay with that. But not always. I told Colin what I thought, and I was a bit extreme. This was on Saturday. We were supposed to go to the fashion show together yesterday, but he never got back to me. I don't know if he is mad at me, if he doesn't care, or if yet again, he's too busy to deal with it. Number 2 and 3 almost seem the exact same to me. I don't even know if it should matter to me.

I went on two dates this week for some reason. I don't even care about them and I don't want to date anyone. I guess I just get bored and restless. I can't quite understand my obsession with loving and being loved, but I don't care if other people think its unhealthy. I can go to school, I can have two jobs, I can love myself until the end of time, but at the end of the day, I always wish there was someone I could talk to about my day. I just won't ever settle for anything that is less than what I want and what I deserve.

Sometimes I think about what if Colin and I had stuck it out, and I realize that he would have never had enough time for me. He's set on success and I can't fucking express how proud I am of him. He's doing so much for himself, his passions and for his community; hes making a God damn contribution. I'm almost envious of him, but I'm mostly just happy for him. But, I wouldn't, and even CAN'T(now) handle being second to everything he has on his schedule. Even as his friend, I feel so unimportant. I know this sounds selfish. But I feel like its also kind of not. Idk. Its stupid. It doesn't matter how many times I bring it up, I just sound like a nagging bitch. I'm tired of sounding like that, so I'm just going to leave it alone. If it gets better, that's great. If it doesn't, then its time for me to stop caring so much about how much he loves me or doesn't love me. It's exhausting, and it's not o.k.

Well, there's my hypersensitive post of the month. I take gratitude for my lack of readers.

Its Thursday

And its 7 pm.

Hai

If I could do the awkward robot for you right now I definitely would. I went on a date last night, and it was just weird. I don't really know how to act around people I don't know, so I'm just really strange. It's magnified times one thousand when my date night partner is obviously nervous. I'm just no good at this dating thing. I'm good at looking hot for dates, thats about it.

I officially dropped my Math class and its embarrassing to think about. I feel like fail. I was going to stick it out until I realized that I needed a graphing calculator and that I can't afford to pay $100 for a class that I may or may not pass.

I don't have much to report. Nothing except for negative Nancy shit that I don't want to bring up here.

Whatever

Hey Krystal! stfu. The internets is a fucking jerk and it makes my brain explode and I hate it. But I love it so much that instead of typing "internets" the first time, I typed "interest". GOOD ONE

Not much has changed in the last 24 hours. I'm at work and the guy I work with is really strange. I bummed a smoke from a lady who waited on me at Pita Jungle. She was a lesbo and was talking to this a guy about "hot bitches". The guy was my last waiter who I didn't tip. I apologized even though he didn't remember.

A Double Shot Neurotic Twitter Latte PLZZZZ?

So I'm slowly but surely reading this Miranda July book in little chucks. There are things I ABSOLUTELY love and then other things that make my brain say "realllyyyy? >_>". But, its a book of short stories so when I don't like something, it is eventually over and then I'm set on another journey. This, I like a lot.

Failed a placement exam for Math. Need to retake it. Cried about it like a bitch. The end.

Trying to get into twitter. Read an article Colin wrote about it, made me understand more stuff. I mostly just like my name a lot (ColourMePlz) and since I'm pretty into aesthetics (text aesthetics?) its helps as well. I need like..a push Idk. It seems interesting enough from other people's perspective, but I feel out of the Twitter loop. Its like a "cool guy" group that won't tell me the secret password.

I'm really excited for the end of this incredibly looonnngggg semester. I hate French, Math, Research Methods, and Logic. Wait what?! Thats all of my classes?! Yes...yes it is. I just need to keep pushing through this shit, I just don't want to. But I will, because I'm neurotic. I use that excuse for everything, " I can't fill this stats table out fast enough because I'm neurotic", "I can't stop smoking cigarettes, I'm too neurotic", "I'm just a neurotic blogger", "I have to change my major because Psychology is causing me to be MORE neurotic." I think that perhaps I don't ACTUALLY have any neurosis, maybe I have just CONVINCED myself that I do. Like, I'm using them as an excuse to display pseudo-interesting character qualities. Wow, way to discredit yourself Krystal.

I don't actually think that. I'm just pretty into self deprecating humor.Or maybe its a defense mechanism? WHO CARES. GET OUT OF MY HEAD PSYCHOLOGICAL MIND SET.

On a simultaneously high and low note. I can still taste it and it still tastes sweet. JFC it tastes like a Honey Soy Latte, and oh how I love those.

I'm very strange today

Time To Go To Class

Blame it all on me. Its really easy and I've grown accustom to being a scapegoat. It's most likely all in my head. This head that recites versus that don't exist. I'm not even sure what language this shit is in, but apparently it doesnt matter because right now, all it wants is a cigarette. I drift in and out of fulfilling fixes and desires. Usually I don't care. But when it comes to you dear nicotine, I'm always there to pat you on the back and perhaps slip you a kiss. Some people call it "niggerlipping", I call it making out. Judge all you want but Sir Nic always takes me back. I've grown weary of coming and going and falling and walking and fucking and talking. I'd rather just watch. Sit on a curb and call it a day. I'll come back to you when the year has passed and the season change and I realize how much I can't stand being alone. But probably not; I've too much pride. Say what you will but I'll wait and you'll gaze. I'll smoke into a haze. My eyes feel clouded with blurriness I forgot existed. I remember a day of twenty different languages, in the shower, forgetting what my name was, realizing what the day was. And then I STOP...and it doesn't even matter. Write it on a paper, it'll be there for later.

Books and Fears

So, I'm at work. I've been working non stop since Monday and I'll have no day off until this upcoming Tuesday. I'm really glad to be making some cash to go towards schooling and lifing and whatnot, but I am extremely tired. I really want to fix my tattoo but Mathew needs new shoes and no one else can get them for him. Dad doesn't make much money and Mathew doesn't really talk to mom so I told him it would be a bit asshole-ish to ask her for anything.

I already scheduled my classes for the summer and it added up to 13 credit hours. Thats too many. Thankfully half of them are art classes. However, these art classes are going to be 4 hours 4 days a week for 12 weeks. I guess its a good thing because it'll prepare me for whats to come. I'm kind of rusty and I usually only "art out" excessively about every few months. I basically get restless and paint 2 or 3 things, then stop for a good amount of time. I'm kind of glad I'm forcing myself into this. I'm so excited and a little bit wary.

I applied for housing at ASU about a week ago, shit is starting to look real. I feel kind of alone on my excitement because people usually do this their senior year of high school or just not at all. I'm really stoked for when Rachel gets her acceptance and then applies for housing as well. She'll be staying in freshman dorms but it'll still be really fun. Also, Colin got the CA position, so there is another buddy of mine I will have with in walking distance. Next year is going to be amazing. I'm so excited to meet new people and launch into this passion I've had for so many years. It kind of sucks, telling people youre an art major, I feel like I have to state a bunch of disclaimers because I know they don't consider "art" an actual major. I don't really care though because nothing could bring me down on this.

So, I went to the Tempe library and got a library card. I tried to check out this one book Colin wanted me to read, but it was already checked out. So, I walked around and checked out four other books. I've always wanted to read Lolita but have never gotten around to it, so alas, that was apart of the selection. I also found I had a lot of time still left on my hands until work, and an excessive amount of money in my bank account, so I ended up just buying that Miranda July book. I still don't know how I feel about it. Its not really what I expected from the excerpt I read, but I'm giving it a chance. It seems a bit irrationally crude in some places and it pisses me off the way Palahnuik pisses me off. But, I'm starting to think my adversion to this sort of things is just a defense mechanism. Shit is life, I need to see the brightness in it all rather than disillusioning myself. I guess thats what a part of growing up is. Especially when you've been exposed to too much disgusting shit at such an early age. Its like..overcoming fears or whatever. I keep trying to look up shit to try and validate problems with life and nothing to seems to satisfy me. I guess its like trying to understand "the meaning of life" or " how did the world come to be." Its what it is, if you keep trying to understand it, you'll fucking go insane. So I guess I kind of admire these people in a standoffish sort of way. They see whats there, and they talk about it with out limits, then they dissect it and see how it effects rather than how it came to be. I don't know. I could be full of shit.

I just keep talking too much.

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

I said something that basically killed me. Then I realized that I was saying someone elses words. Ultimate queer.

So, I'm at work waiting for Britany to pick me up from work. Then, we're going to the hospital and I'm really scared. I hope there is nothing super wrong with me. I made mom promise me that I would still be able to go to ASU even if its really expensive. I've gotta stop writing now because I'm being dramatic.

Glowsticks and Alice

Alright so, I FINALLY went and saw Alice in Wonderland. My friend from work also works at Harkins and I went with him and his friends. But, before I go into my movie critiquing, I have to mention something epic. Alright, so the only person I knew in the car on the way there was Brandon. So, there are two others guys we're all listening to techno music, which already has me highly amused; there are three straight guys listening to intense techno beats. When all of a sudden, in synchronized rhythm, they all pull out two glow sticks each and start raving. Turns out, it was planned and practiced. Then, the guy next to me is like "Hey! You get some too!" So..we all danced to techno with glow sticks. I think that was highlight of my life. Lol...highlight...glow sticks...ok I'm done.

Alright, back to Alice... Alright so...it was good? I just expected a whole WHOLE lot more. I know that it was Disney...but that totally overpowered the Tim Burton factor. The only thing that actually made it a Burton film were, The Mad-Hatter's character, and the fact that his wife was in it. It could have been intensely more quirky, trippy, mindfucky, and interesting. I was bored by the fact that it was overly cinematic...the way Disney so LOVES to do it.  Idk, I was just kind of let down; perhaps I built it up too much. HOWEVER, I did ABSOLUTELY love Anne Hathaway as the white queen and how she floated around as she walked. It was ridiculously ironic how much she over did the Disney princess cutsey/dancey/graceful reactions and poise. The use of satire almost made me like the movie. So...I'll probably watch it again because I'm so shocked I don't like it that I feel like I might change my mind, but right now...boo. :/

St. Patrick's Day, The Smiths, and Pancakes

Tomorrow is St Patrick's Day :O. I wish I had fun plans for it. Maybe I'll just buy a celtic CD and listen to it at work lol.

So, I hung out with Rachel and Mike yesterday and Mike was really drunk and was puking out of my car window. I wasn't drinking because by the time I got off of work they were already drunk and needed a DD. I hate being responsible ha, but talking with Rachel was interesting as always.

I decided that I really like my new job. I basically get paid to be lazy and when I am actually working, the work is easy and repetitive. I'm going to start bringing in homework because there are sometimes long stretches of nothing to do.

I spoke with Colin and told him that I know why his friends dislike me; I was rude to them for no reason back in the day. So now, I am supposed to go over to his house Thursday night and eat pancakes and I don't know if his friends will be awake or there, but I'm hoping they are so I can be nice to them. However, I am really nervous because I'm kind of awkward :/. But, he's my friend and I want to be apart of his world, and if he loves his friends then I want them to love me too. I sound so gay -_-. Also, I love emoticons ;D. Its hilarious that the computer doesn't tell me that "emoticons" isn't a word lol.

Well blogspot, I must flee.

Krystal vs Gravity

One time I stepped off a two story cliff and somehow I didn't fall. I just floated for what seemed like eternity, wondering if I should jump back to the edge or just wait to fall. I didn't want to battle with demise, I just wanted to know what it felt like. I wanted to know how gravity would take control over me and if my stomach REALLY would stay 200 feet in the air while I was plummeting. I guess I could have used a bungee chord but then it would still be a bit manipulative. I didn't think of placing any padding below me until I had already jumped. But today, of all days, gravity didn't seem to be working. I don't know if he took the day off, or what really happened, but I was still floating while I realized that this would be a good thing to document. I realized that since I hadn't followed through with any precautions prior to irrationally going with instinct, I could have just accidentally fucking killed myself. So, I made my way back to the edge. As I sit and type I keep thinking about how stupid one must be to pull such a stunt. Thank you Mr. Gravity for having my back. We shall meet again!

I have no idea what I'm talking about... :D

Promises, Shamu, and Pulp Fiction

So, when you close your eyes I know what you will see. Perhaps too many colours, blurred vision, but it'll most definitely be me. I type on Chiclets and breathe in too much tobacco. I keep promising myself an end to unhealthy addictions. I break less promises than I make. Make of that what you will, but it seems like there are promises that I'm making with out even realizing. I've listened to the same songs over and over, I decipher some different every time. I turned my radio off in my car and sang a song and cried from work on home. Sometimes crying is good. I act so bold at work/at school, in front of almost everyone. I have two stereotypes it seems, and I quote ,"strange and awkward" or "cute as a button". I really hope that there is someone who will see both and think of them as a quirky hybrid that they somehow find endearing. Long term though, nothing fleeting. I guess if I were to be honest, I would have to say that I am just lonely. I've been spending more time with friends lately and it has been magnificent. But, in between friendships, school, work, and self; I sometimes like to have some intimate piece of mind. At times my brain would concoct silly stories that won't and shouldn't come true, but I always still have a sense of peace when things end. But those were always just stupid boys. I often find myself missing Colin, but I feel like every time I talk to him, we are a little bit more distant. I had let myself love too freely and now I can't find peace with this. I would be exaggerating if I said that I was still devastated, but I guess I am still a bit sad. Those stories weren't silly to me, I actually thought they were real. It my own fault for investing so many feelings back into something that was barely blossoming and failed so miserably before. Its March, springtime, and I feel so much better, but some(if any) of my questions will be answered over time. One time Colin said, "I'm not trying to sound cliche, but there are other fish in the sea." That's embarrassing for me to type; trying to break the news and make me feel better at the same time, it never works. Heh, I told Mathew this and then I joked that Colin was Shamu, there is only one hahaha (even though when Shamu at Seaworld dies, they just replace him with a new one. OH the irony.) I don't know why I'm saying all of this in here, I guess I'm just being nostalgic, it could have something to do with sleep deprivation. I'm watching Pulp Fiction and I love it. For some reason though, every time I watch this I get sidetracked through out the movie. "I don't know if it's worth five dollars, but that's a damn good milkshake."

My Taboo Sexcapades

Hey whats up, my name is Krystal and I just found out that I am straight. I am not bisexual, I am not a lesbian, I like men. I had sex with a girl. *Checks off bucket list*.Now...I will go back to my penis loving life.

He Ate My Heart

Good afternoon dearest blogspot...
It is around 5:40 pm and I am extremely tired. I have work in about an hour and a half. I'm really bored and I miss having time to breathe and nap. Dad keeps bragging about work stuff because he's not modest ha. It is officially spring break and I would like to do something really fun. I am supposed to go to a club with my friend Candice from work but I don't know how down I am. I'm just kind of sleepy. Dad is still talking about some stuff. He never really responds to me when I'm talking and he's on the computer, thats kind of what I'm doing right now.

I feel kind of down right now for some silly reasons but it will probably disappear when I get to work because I always forget why I'm down when I am working lol. I miss Britany but I'm not going to swallow my pride in this situation because I am really passionate about my stance. I also wish I could just buy my laptop and stop worrying about whether its a good decision or not. Dad is now talking to the people on the TV telling them to buy some house...they can't hear you dad.

Yesterday I went to coffee with Heather and she was playing guitar and I was singing. I think the old man who was reading was really annoyed with us. He's probably a republican though so his opinion doesn't matter. Then I starting dancing around and singing like a Disney princess and Heather thought she should record me, so she did. I watched it later and it was funny.

I bought a lot of stuff I didn't need today but I don't care because I have money. I need to apply for scholarships over the break but I don't want to so I told my mom to heckle me into applying for them. Now dad is complaining about the commercials on the TV. But ANYWAYS, I'm waiting for school and I'm excited. I can start registering for classes on the 24th and its super cool.

Kenneth told me he is getting married today and that really weird to me. Then I realized that I know three girls at work who are engaged, my friend Rikki is engaged, and Bri is separated from her husband. When the hell did I get so old. A few days ago Colin asked me what I was doing and I said I was going to pick up my friend who has children. Then he was like...oh yeah that one girl, and then I had to clarify that , no, its a different one. So basically, I have married/separated/engaged/and motherly friends. When did I get so old? And the real kicker is that I cannot even BEGIN to imagine myself as any of those. Even if I somehow ended up with the man of my dreams, there is no way in hell I would want to get married OR have children. It basically sounds like a nightmare.

I bought the new Lady Gaga CD
You're jealous

I'm super spacey right now so I am gonna leave. Hopefully I can update tomorrow too. <3

The Trolly Wood Is Taking Me Away

"Out one day
Walking one day
Out one day, with you hallelujah
We found a wood, then we unfound a wood
And then we cried, "Oh No"
And, please tell me will we ever find it again?
In the depths of Trolly Wood
Do trollies still drive?"

Its almost the lamest metaphor I've ever heard but I love it so much. The song is much better. If anyone reads this at all, they must listen. The harmonies are beautiful.

I did a lot of thinking today about things I've never thought as thoroughly about before. I started thinking about the willingness to give and the average amount of empathy people have. I was thinking about this one person I know and how very different their responses are to me from everyone else's. Most people don't take me seriously and I don't know why. There was also this guy at work who said no to giving a fellow employee a ride home at 11 pm 5 minutes away from work, because he had "somewhere to go". I kept going over these two things in my head over and over again and I cried at work. Lol I'm really gay because I cried at work, but I like to think it doesn't count because no one there knew it.

Eh, I just re-read that, and it doesn't hold very much substance compared to what it does to my brain. C'est la vie

I stood underneath a water fall and I couldn't catch my breath. I fell in love with a water fall and I couldn't catch my breath. No darling, I couldn't catch my breath.

Oh How The Sky Blushes...

I've been really busy and sleepy. I was supposed to see Alice in Wonderland last night with one of my friends and had to cancel on him last minute because I was too exhausted to do anything but sit around. Tonight is my last Friday night where I won't be working...until this job switches my fixed hours around, OR I get a new job. I won't be getting a new job for a while though, so I have no idea when the former will be occurring.

I need to stop by ASU to turn in my MMR shot records AND I need to get my student ID. I need to apply for scholarships. I need to actually finish taxes. I'm just so tired I have no idea when I'm going to be able to finish all of this crap. Also, I suck at Math. Usually if I have a bad teacher I can teach myself from the text book, but this textbook sucks. Maybe I have just gotten shitty at math but I don't really know. I think its a class consensus that our teacher is a horrible teacher.

When time turns into an obsolete figure and hours turn into years; perhaps that's when you'll realize that I disappeared. I took a train to a rainy day in a far off place of yesterday. Where adults still dream and tell the truth; where life seems to never turn uncouth.

An hour and a half until math...perhaps I can fit in ASU MMR documents in that time....Bye

Good Morning

Alright so, I just decided that I'm pulling an all nighter and then going to school, coming home, and passing out today. Sometime, eventually. I went to Coffee Rush with Heather and drank too much espresso, laughed too much, and now I cannot sleep. Heather is now currently sound asleep on my dad's couch, and I am on here (internet) deciding that perhaps I should write. Not flowery bullshit, but the likes of which I used to post on Livejournal, but let us hope that its not as angsty ~~*~~***~.

Alright so, school is going very well. More so, my future is going very well. The classes I am currently taking are a great selection for a forth semester Psychology major, however, considering I am no longer a Psych major, they are close to obsolete. I'll still do my best (or at least close to it), but its a tidbit counterproductive. None the less, I am devastatingly excited for the schooling that is to come. There are no words to really express my enthusiasm.

Today I realized that the general population of the loves in my life have come to a consensus. Once realizing this, I have not as much confusion over a topic that has been troubling me for quite some time. So now, after countless rephrasing of the same thing from countless people, Heather has finally put it into perspective for me. For one reason or another, I feel like her word is the final word; she's rather unbiased when reflecting back information that concerns my personal life. I'm rather fortunate. I really do worry too much.

My toes are kind of cold and I keep phasing in and out of concentration. This is something that happens more often when I am tired, and I'm sure that I am, but the espresso runs deep and I can't shake it off. I feel kind of grateful for the alone time because I have been staying at dad's house for the past week and a half and I've been surrounded by people mostly (which has been the point). I went back to my apartment today because I remembered I had an electric bill to pay and some dishes that needed to be tended to. At first it was nice, but it was short lived. I don't really know what it is, but I just can't do it.

There is this part of Garden State where Largeman is talking to Sam and to sum it up he says something to the affect of how when you leave your parents home, you never really feel at home again until you establish a family of your own. I think there is a lot of truth in that. Home seems like it should be a place to come to for love. Yes, I love myself...but thats totally not the same thing. Eh, this sounds like I'm complaining, I'm not..its just a thought.

Last weekend, aside from working and doing homework, I basically just spent the rest of my time talking with my dad. I forgot how close we used to be. I remember when I first moved out here, we would talk and hang out all of the time. But, I think as I got older, I got busier, and I think he just keeps getting more bored with his life. But, this weekend it was like old times, talked about everything and bullshitted about The Beatles and a variety of philosophies we've concocted. My dad has done a lot of things that I don't necessarily agree with, and it IS frustrating, but he's also a good man. Dad may be a bit shaky on his parenting skills at times (like many parents are) but he is a great friend. My parents have flaws, but I love them very much.

Well, thats all I've got. Good morning.

Tell Me All Of What You've Heard

I kept thinking about paper cranes last night. I wrote this song once (the only song I've ever really made) and it starts off with a line about paper birds. Then one time Mathew told Lacey to decorate her apartment in paper cranes. Then I started remembering how my dad taught me how to make them when I was about nine years old. For a second I realized that my dad isn't too bad most of the time. He's just not very conventional and he makes mistakes. But anyways, now I really want to learn origami, so I think I'm going to buy some origami paper and watch youtube tutorials, lol. THEN I want to start incorporating them in paintings and projects.

Its kind of weird, but I think its awesome.

Alright, I have to actually finish my Logic paper because its due in a couple of hours.
Peace, Love, and all that other gay shit I adore.<3

It Shall Begin. I Will Win.

Steady as she goes. This woman ain't no hoe. I think this might all be a show. I fell off my cycle, and ended up here. The notion of letting it go produces fear. But I must face the facts, its been a damn year. I should just stop being such a queer. I can get past the bullshit. I'll eventually quit. But I know that it might send me into a fit. I guess all I can do is wait and sit. Sit. Sit. God damn it, shit. I get it. Sensation is real. I know I can feel. But, feel it all away. Don't think about it today. So far I'll begin to stray. You know what...........idk.

My Day Continued...

Alright, I've been writing and doing taxes all day. The things about my taxes is...I was almost done, then I had to download a PDF opener (this computer is lame), so it closed Firefox. I am also having trouble with my 1098-T. So...taxes are at a standstill. And, I'm almost done with my paper. I am so unbelievably bored and no one cares about any of this, so I type it in here. Heather invited me to go hang out with her at the fairgrounds, but I just didn't have any time with all of this shit that I had to do.

Britany sent me a message via Facebook the other day and said she was having a love affair. I was kind of trippin balls about it, but finally today she says it is with Lady Gaga -_-. JFC. I thought she was for real. But anyways, I'm glad she caved, I knew it would happen. No one can resist the bitches charm. Not even Mathew.

I am fairly certain that Colin has done the impossible and has fallen off the planet. Its so hard to hold/start a conversation with him. He's seriously my best friend which is so unhealthy in more than one way :[. Stupid busy queer /sarcasm

Fallacies&Taxes

I have so much to do and not enough time or will power to do it.
I haven't started my taxes yet but I'm gonna jump on that today.

Not my favorite mix of things.

Taxes just ruin my coffee.

Then I have to write a paper on a bunch of argument fallacies. I'm basically writing a script about two people arguing and not making any legitimate points. Sounds fun...I lie.

Douchebagophobia

This is my new word for my "fear of fitting a stereotype"
I hate hipsters
I hate scene kids
I just hate anyone who cares that much to "fit in"

I don't care so much, that is makes me care
Like with everything else HA

I really love art
I really love Tempe
But those things, put together= hipsters up the asshole

I just gotta keep in mind what I think is beautiful, what I think is art, and what I find amusing. However, I usually find it easy to be myself. So, it doesn't really matter. Bring on the colours. Bring on the new. I've always been good at shifting out the unnecessary.

Space Balls

Quantum physics cannot even begin to explain this kind of force field. Its the kind of issue where I am about 4 moons broken into perfect spherical quarters that cannot help but show you off. I'm dancing with myself, however I'm kept at such a radical distance. There are an infinite amount of planets circling, ovaling, and who the hell else knows what those huge rocks/gas/thingswehaven'tdiscoveredyet are doing. But they are doing it. I haven't seen it all, but I don't want to. Those planets don't have shit on my planet, because I get it. I've seen a couple. Fallen out of orbit. I've joined other scenarios, quite different from this, and decided that that shit wasn't cutting it. There weren't enough colours. The sound of white noise was a slightly different amount of megahertz. Basically, I just couldn't stand it. So I came back, but your colours have dimmed and you won't play music for me anymore. Planet, you're a jerk.

Art Major &A Techie

Alright, my major is now officially changed to "Art exploratory". The next three years of my life are going to be basically ALL art studies because I am essentially finished with my general classes for college.

I keep peeking my head around the corner to check up on you. But, you're still typing. I call the phone lying next to you, but you're too engaged in work to notice it is vibrating. I slip on the most fantastic of gowns, twirl around, massage your neck, then kiss you on the cheek. You then jerk away because I'm but a mere distraction from this new love of yours. I sit there for a whole 27 minutes narrowing my eyes at you, ready to amuse you with a bitchy/snarky comment. However, you don't look up, which means our eyes don't meet, WHICH also means...I now feel stupid. So now, I take off all my clothes, slip off the tiara I thought YOU would think would be cheeky, I walk out of the room, naked, and you're still typing. In the hall way I curtsy(as ladies do), and leave you behind with nothing but my scent. I love you, but you're a mess. Go cuddle with your computer.

Contortionists, Art, & An Interview

I climbed out of a picture frame. A frame that you once thought was a mirror of all your hopes and dreams. Every time you looked back, prior to me getting the hell out of there, I was contorted into another pose. I kept hoping that instead of having to crawl out of the frame, perhaps you would just get rid of it. But you didn't, you seemed actually excited to wake up every morning in order to see what new shenanigans I had gotten my self into. I would do stretches at night in order to concoct new tactics, in order to be limber; I essentially turned myself into something of a contortionist. Now that I'm out in the real world, I realize that people actually pay money to see this kind of stuff, so WHY would you have thrown me out? If anything, I had actually made myself more desirable.

On a more practical note...yesterday, Heather bought me dinner and put ten dollars in my tank. When I got home(dad's), Mathew had finished my laundry. Thanks guys.

Today I have an appointment to speak with an Art adviser @Asu. Tomorrow I have an interview at a delivery service and I'm up for a Customer Service Representative position. I'll be making $10 p/h, getting at least 25 hours a week, and my shifts don't start until 3:45pm. Its perfect. *Fingers crossed*. These next couple of days should be productive.

A Present

I used to know this guy when I was around 13-15. I met him when I was in middle school and one year for my birthday he made me a gift. It was by far the most thoughtful thing I've ever gotten; it was very simple; a block of would carved into a heart, he had burnt designs into it, and burnt a note on the back of it. After wards it was painted to accent the rest of his work. It was all very platonic, but it was the best kind of love there is, individually crafted and uncensored.

I am not sure why, but I kept thinking about this last night. I wish I still had it, however, as a young adolescent I wasn't very responsible nor did I value much of anything >_>. I had the initial happy cry when first receiving it, but now its lost with the rest of my childhood (mom unfortunately lost her storage space in California, while dad lost his here in Arizona about a decade ago).

I don't really know if I have a point. But, if there is one its that I need to stop thinking about all the love I have lost in the world and all of the love that is dwindling. I've known beautiful people and I KNOW beautiful people. I really wish I could stop complaining and just be.

So...

This is where I blog now. It feels like a new place of residence in here. Livejournal is full of bad memories. I hope I can bring new things of substance to this blog. I can't find comfort in writing in anything but an internet journal (I don't know whats wrong with me), so...here we are. Maybe blogspot will be lucky.