Blackbird Singing In The Dead Of Night

Its been a long week. I have a lot of things to do. I attempted amends with people who didn't want to hear it. It was mostly my fault to be honest, but there are wounds within me that cannot be fixed. I am not intent on trying to have anything go back to the way they used to be. I don't miss them like I thought I always would. People fall apart and I'm okay with that. But not always. I told Colin what I thought, and I was a bit extreme. This was on Saturday. We were supposed to go to the fashion show together yesterday, but he never got back to me. I don't know if he is mad at me, if he doesn't care, or if yet again, he's too busy to deal with it. Number 2 and 3 almost seem the exact same to me. I don't even know if it should matter to me.

I went on two dates this week for some reason. I don't even care about them and I don't want to date anyone. I guess I just get bored and restless. I can't quite understand my obsession with loving and being loved, but I don't care if other people think its unhealthy. I can go to school, I can have two jobs, I can love myself until the end of time, but at the end of the day, I always wish there was someone I could talk to about my day. I just won't ever settle for anything that is less than what I want and what I deserve.

Sometimes I think about what if Colin and I had stuck it out, and I realize that he would have never had enough time for me. He's set on success and I can't fucking express how proud I am of him. He's doing so much for himself, his passions and for his community; hes making a God damn contribution. I'm almost envious of him, but I'm mostly just happy for him. But, I wouldn't, and even CAN'T(now) handle being second to everything he has on his schedule. Even as his friend, I feel so unimportant. I know this sounds selfish. But I feel like its also kind of not. Idk. Its stupid. It doesn't matter how many times I bring it up, I just sound like a nagging bitch. I'm tired of sounding like that, so I'm just going to leave it alone. If it gets better, that's great. If it doesn't, then its time for me to stop caring so much about how much he loves me or doesn't love me. It's exhausting, and it's not o.k.

Well, there's my hypersensitive post of the month. I take gratitude for my lack of readers.