I miss blogging soo...

I think I'm (again) grasping onto something that I perhaps might be able to dub as rational and happy. I came to a strange realization the other night and it strikes me as not surprising. I feel like I always knew what it was doing to me and how I was projecting and just everything that I thought I understood but didn't. I feel like an older and much wiser Krystal was tugging on my ears from my shoulder trying to get my attention. I didn't want to listen to her because my heart was so "a'flutter". It was a sudden breath of fresh air. I felt like I had been under water for months, crying, hoping and mentally BEGGING for air. Finally, however, when I came to surface, I realized that I had actually chained myself to the bottom of the ocean floor, blaming God, friends, and anyone I could think of for letting me prune in the water. Salt is blinding let me tell you.

However, I feel like I'm back to myself again. I'm tired of this self deprication, I'm tired of looking at myself through eyes I perceive to be important, I'm tired of thinking and rethinking things I say, said, haven't said yet, wanted to say, forgot to say. IM SO TIRED. So, I am finished. Its the strangest kind of bliss. I was reading over blogs and I wish I could hug myself...actually. Not myself now, myself then. I think about this a lot when I think about things that happened in my life that continue to (at times) come up when ever a scent/song/feeling triggers a memory. I think about myself at that particular time and have the urge to time travel and hug little me, or 14 year old me, or 17 year old me, or even 4 months ago me. I sometimes think about people who commit suicide and one time I was thinking about this particular thing and realized how much respect I have for myself. I was contemplating why someone would off themselves and what in particular was keeping me from that same fate (not in a *depressing* sort of way, just more from an objective stand point) and you know...I just fucking care about my life and I want to affect people and love people and just....live out everything I can. Because here is the thing; I am really awesome, and other people are really awesome....and I love everything that happens in between.