Time To Go To Class

Blame it all on me. Its really easy and I've grown accustom to being a scapegoat. It's most likely all in my head. This head that recites versus that don't exist. I'm not even sure what language this shit is in, but apparently it doesnt matter because right now, all it wants is a cigarette. I drift in and out of fulfilling fixes and desires. Usually I don't care. But when it comes to you dear nicotine, I'm always there to pat you on the back and perhaps slip you a kiss. Some people call it "niggerlipping", I call it making out. Judge all you want but Sir Nic always takes me back. I've grown weary of coming and going and falling and walking and fucking and talking. I'd rather just watch. Sit on a curb and call it a day. I'll come back to you when the year has passed and the season change and I realize how much I can't stand being alone. But probably not; I've too much pride. Say what you will but I'll wait and you'll gaze. I'll smoke into a haze. My eyes feel clouded with blurriness I forgot existed. I remember a day of twenty different languages, in the shower, forgetting what my name was, realizing what the day was. And then I STOP...and it doesn't even matter. Write it on a paper, it'll be there for later.

Books and Fears

So, I'm at work. I've been working non stop since Monday and I'll have no day off until this upcoming Tuesday. I'm really glad to be making some cash to go towards schooling and lifing and whatnot, but I am extremely tired. I really want to fix my tattoo but Mathew needs new shoes and no one else can get them for him. Dad doesn't make much money and Mathew doesn't really talk to mom so I told him it would be a bit asshole-ish to ask her for anything.

I already scheduled my classes for the summer and it added up to 13 credit hours. Thats too many. Thankfully half of them are art classes. However, these art classes are going to be 4 hours 4 days a week for 12 weeks. I guess its a good thing because it'll prepare me for whats to come. I'm kind of rusty and I usually only "art out" excessively about every few months. I basically get restless and paint 2 or 3 things, then stop for a good amount of time. I'm kind of glad I'm forcing myself into this. I'm so excited and a little bit wary.

I applied for housing at ASU about a week ago, shit is starting to look real. I feel kind of alone on my excitement because people usually do this their senior year of high school or just not at all. I'm really stoked for when Rachel gets her acceptance and then applies for housing as well. She'll be staying in freshman dorms but it'll still be really fun. Also, Colin got the CA position, so there is another buddy of mine I will have with in walking distance. Next year is going to be amazing. I'm so excited to meet new people and launch into this passion I've had for so many years. It kind of sucks, telling people youre an art major, I feel like I have to state a bunch of disclaimers because I know they don't consider "art" an actual major. I don't really care though because nothing could bring me down on this.

So, I went to the Tempe library and got a library card. I tried to check out this one book Colin wanted me to read, but it was already checked out. So, I walked around and checked out four other books. I've always wanted to read Lolita but have never gotten around to it, so alas, that was apart of the selection. I also found I had a lot of time still left on my hands until work, and an excessive amount of money in my bank account, so I ended up just buying that Miranda July book. I still don't know how I feel about it. Its not really what I expected from the excerpt I read, but I'm giving it a chance. It seems a bit irrationally crude in some places and it pisses me off the way Palahnuik pisses me off. But, I'm starting to think my adversion to this sort of things is just a defense mechanism. Shit is life, I need to see the brightness in it all rather than disillusioning myself. I guess thats what a part of growing up is. Especially when you've been exposed to too much disgusting shit at such an early age. Its like..overcoming fears or whatever. I keep trying to look up shit to try and validate problems with life and nothing to seems to satisfy me. I guess its like trying to understand "the meaning of life" or " how did the world come to be." Its what it is, if you keep trying to understand it, you'll fucking go insane. So I guess I kind of admire these people in a standoffish sort of way. They see whats there, and they talk about it with out limits, then they dissect it and see how it effects rather than how it came to be. I don't know. I could be full of shit.

I just keep talking too much.

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

I said something that basically killed me. Then I realized that I was saying someone elses words. Ultimate queer.

So, I'm at work waiting for Britany to pick me up from work. Then, we're going to the hospital and I'm really scared. I hope there is nothing super wrong with me. I made mom promise me that I would still be able to go to ASU even if its really expensive. I've gotta stop writing now because I'm being dramatic.

Glowsticks and Alice

Alright so, I FINALLY went and saw Alice in Wonderland. My friend from work also works at Harkins and I went with him and his friends. But, before I go into my movie critiquing, I have to mention something epic. Alright, so the only person I knew in the car on the way there was Brandon. So, there are two others guys we're all listening to techno music, which already has me highly amused; there are three straight guys listening to intense techno beats. When all of a sudden, in synchronized rhythm, they all pull out two glow sticks each and start raving. Turns out, it was planned and practiced. Then, the guy next to me is like "Hey! You get some too!" So..we all danced to techno with glow sticks. I think that was highlight of my life. Lol...highlight...glow sticks...ok I'm done.

Alright, back to Alice... Alright so...it was good? I just expected a whole WHOLE lot more. I know that it was Disney...but that totally overpowered the Tim Burton factor. The only thing that actually made it a Burton film were, The Mad-Hatter's character, and the fact that his wife was in it. It could have been intensely more quirky, trippy, mindfucky, and interesting. I was bored by the fact that it was overly cinematic...the way Disney so LOVES to do it.  Idk, I was just kind of let down; perhaps I built it up too much. HOWEVER, I did ABSOLUTELY love Anne Hathaway as the white queen and how she floated around as she walked. It was ridiculously ironic how much she over did the Disney princess cutsey/dancey/graceful reactions and poise. The use of satire almost made me like the movie. So...I'll probably watch it again because I'm so shocked I don't like it that I feel like I might change my mind, but right now...boo. :/

St. Patrick's Day, The Smiths, and Pancakes

Tomorrow is St Patrick's Day :O. I wish I had fun plans for it. Maybe I'll just buy a celtic CD and listen to it at work lol.

So, I hung out with Rachel and Mike yesterday and Mike was really drunk and was puking out of my car window. I wasn't drinking because by the time I got off of work they were already drunk and needed a DD. I hate being responsible ha, but talking with Rachel was interesting as always.

I decided that I really like my new job. I basically get paid to be lazy and when I am actually working, the work is easy and repetitive. I'm going to start bringing in homework because there are sometimes long stretches of nothing to do.

I spoke with Colin and told him that I know why his friends dislike me; I was rude to them for no reason back in the day. So now, I am supposed to go over to his house Thursday night and eat pancakes and I don't know if his friends will be awake or there, but I'm hoping they are so I can be nice to them. However, I am really nervous because I'm kind of awkward :/. But, he's my friend and I want to be apart of his world, and if he loves his friends then I want them to love me too. I sound so gay -_-. Also, I love emoticons ;D. Its hilarious that the computer doesn't tell me that "emoticons" isn't a word lol.

Well blogspot, I must flee.

Krystal vs Gravity

One time I stepped off a two story cliff and somehow I didn't fall. I just floated for what seemed like eternity, wondering if I should jump back to the edge or just wait to fall. I didn't want to battle with demise, I just wanted to know what it felt like. I wanted to know how gravity would take control over me and if my stomach REALLY would stay 200 feet in the air while I was plummeting. I guess I could have used a bungee chord but then it would still be a bit manipulative. I didn't think of placing any padding below me until I had already jumped. But today, of all days, gravity didn't seem to be working. I don't know if he took the day off, or what really happened, but I was still floating while I realized that this would be a good thing to document. I realized that since I hadn't followed through with any precautions prior to irrationally going with instinct, I could have just accidentally fucking killed myself. So, I made my way back to the edge. As I sit and type I keep thinking about how stupid one must be to pull such a stunt. Thank you Mr. Gravity for having my back. We shall meet again!

I have no idea what I'm talking about... :D

Promises, Shamu, and Pulp Fiction

So, when you close your eyes I know what you will see. Perhaps too many colours, blurred vision, but it'll most definitely be me. I type on Chiclets and breathe in too much tobacco. I keep promising myself an end to unhealthy addictions. I break less promises than I make. Make of that what you will, but it seems like there are promises that I'm making with out even realizing. I've listened to the same songs over and over, I decipher some different every time. I turned my radio off in my car and sang a song and cried from work on home. Sometimes crying is good. I act so bold at work/at school, in front of almost everyone. I have two stereotypes it seems, and I quote ,"strange and awkward" or "cute as a button". I really hope that there is someone who will see both and think of them as a quirky hybrid that they somehow find endearing. Long term though, nothing fleeting. I guess if I were to be honest, I would have to say that I am just lonely. I've been spending more time with friends lately and it has been magnificent. But, in between friendships, school, work, and self; I sometimes like to have some intimate piece of mind. At times my brain would concoct silly stories that won't and shouldn't come true, but I always still have a sense of peace when things end. But those were always just stupid boys. I often find myself missing Colin, but I feel like every time I talk to him, we are a little bit more distant. I had let myself love too freely and now I can't find peace with this. I would be exaggerating if I said that I was still devastated, but I guess I am still a bit sad. Those stories weren't silly to me, I actually thought they were real. It my own fault for investing so many feelings back into something that was barely blossoming and failed so miserably before. Its March, springtime, and I feel so much better, but some(if any) of my questions will be answered over time. One time Colin said, "I'm not trying to sound cliche, but there are other fish in the sea." That's embarrassing for me to type; trying to break the news and make me feel better at the same time, it never works. Heh, I told Mathew this and then I joked that Colin was Shamu, there is only one hahaha (even though when Shamu at Seaworld dies, they just replace him with a new one. OH the irony.) I don't know why I'm saying all of this in here, I guess I'm just being nostalgic, it could have something to do with sleep deprivation. I'm watching Pulp Fiction and I love it. For some reason though, every time I watch this I get sidetracked through out the movie. "I don't know if it's worth five dollars, but that's a damn good milkshake."

My Taboo Sexcapades

Hey whats up, my name is Krystal and I just found out that I am straight. I am not bisexual, I am not a lesbian, I like men. I had sex with a girl. *Checks off bucket list*.Now...I will go back to my penis loving life.

He Ate My Heart

Good afternoon dearest blogspot...
It is around 5:40 pm and I am extremely tired. I have work in about an hour and a half. I'm really bored and I miss having time to breathe and nap. Dad keeps bragging about work stuff because he's not modest ha. It is officially spring break and I would like to do something really fun. I am supposed to go to a club with my friend Candice from work but I don't know how down I am. I'm just kind of sleepy. Dad is still talking about some stuff. He never really responds to me when I'm talking and he's on the computer, thats kind of what I'm doing right now.

I feel kind of down right now for some silly reasons but it will probably disappear when I get to work because I always forget why I'm down when I am working lol. I miss Britany but I'm not going to swallow my pride in this situation because I am really passionate about my stance. I also wish I could just buy my laptop and stop worrying about whether its a good decision or not. Dad is now talking to the people on the TV telling them to buy some house...they can't hear you dad.

Yesterday I went to coffee with Heather and she was playing guitar and I was singing. I think the old man who was reading was really annoyed with us. He's probably a republican though so his opinion doesn't matter. Then I starting dancing around and singing like a Disney princess and Heather thought she should record me, so she did. I watched it later and it was funny.

I bought a lot of stuff I didn't need today but I don't care because I have money. I need to apply for scholarships over the break but I don't want to so I told my mom to heckle me into applying for them. Now dad is complaining about the commercials on the TV. But ANYWAYS, I'm waiting for school and I'm excited. I can start registering for classes on the 24th and its super cool.

Kenneth told me he is getting married today and that really weird to me. Then I realized that I know three girls at work who are engaged, my friend Rikki is engaged, and Bri is separated from her husband. When the hell did I get so old. A few days ago Colin asked me what I was doing and I said I was going to pick up my friend who has children. Then he was like...oh yeah that one girl, and then I had to clarify that , no, its a different one. So basically, I have married/separated/engaged/and motherly friends. When did I get so old? And the real kicker is that I cannot even BEGIN to imagine myself as any of those. Even if I somehow ended up with the man of my dreams, there is no way in hell I would want to get married OR have children. It basically sounds like a nightmare.

I bought the new Lady Gaga CD
You're jealous

I'm super spacey right now so I am gonna leave. Hopefully I can update tomorrow too. <3

The Trolly Wood Is Taking Me Away

"Out one day
Walking one day
Out one day, with you hallelujah
We found a wood, then we unfound a wood
And then we cried, "Oh No"
And, please tell me will we ever find it again?
In the depths of Trolly Wood
Do trollies still drive?"

Its almost the lamest metaphor I've ever heard but I love it so much. The song is much better. If anyone reads this at all, they must listen. The harmonies are beautiful.

I did a lot of thinking today about things I've never thought as thoroughly about before. I started thinking about the willingness to give and the average amount of empathy people have. I was thinking about this one person I know and how very different their responses are to me from everyone else's. Most people don't take me seriously and I don't know why. There was also this guy at work who said no to giving a fellow employee a ride home at 11 pm 5 minutes away from work, because he had "somewhere to go". I kept going over these two things in my head over and over again and I cried at work. Lol I'm really gay because I cried at work, but I like to think it doesn't count because no one there knew it.

Eh, I just re-read that, and it doesn't hold very much substance compared to what it does to my brain. C'est la vie

I stood underneath a water fall and I couldn't catch my breath. I fell in love with a water fall and I couldn't catch my breath. No darling, I couldn't catch my breath.

Oh How The Sky Blushes...

I've been really busy and sleepy. I was supposed to see Alice in Wonderland last night with one of my friends and had to cancel on him last minute because I was too exhausted to do anything but sit around. Tonight is my last Friday night where I won't be working...until this job switches my fixed hours around, OR I get a new job. I won't be getting a new job for a while though, so I have no idea when the former will be occurring.

I need to stop by ASU to turn in my MMR shot records AND I need to get my student ID. I need to apply for scholarships. I need to actually finish taxes. I'm just so tired I have no idea when I'm going to be able to finish all of this crap. Also, I suck at Math. Usually if I have a bad teacher I can teach myself from the text book, but this textbook sucks. Maybe I have just gotten shitty at math but I don't really know. I think its a class consensus that our teacher is a horrible teacher.

When time turns into an obsolete figure and hours turn into years; perhaps that's when you'll realize that I disappeared. I took a train to a rainy day in a far off place of yesterday. Where adults still dream and tell the truth; where life seems to never turn uncouth.

An hour and a half until math...perhaps I can fit in ASU MMR documents in that time....Bye

Good Morning

Alright so, I just decided that I'm pulling an all nighter and then going to school, coming home, and passing out today. Sometime, eventually. I went to Coffee Rush with Heather and drank too much espresso, laughed too much, and now I cannot sleep. Heather is now currently sound asleep on my dad's couch, and I am on here (internet) deciding that perhaps I should write. Not flowery bullshit, but the likes of which I used to post on Livejournal, but let us hope that its not as angsty ~~*~~***~.

Alright so, school is going very well. More so, my future is going very well. The classes I am currently taking are a great selection for a forth semester Psychology major, however, considering I am no longer a Psych major, they are close to obsolete. I'll still do my best (or at least close to it), but its a tidbit counterproductive. None the less, I am devastatingly excited for the schooling that is to come. There are no words to really express my enthusiasm.

Today I realized that the general population of the loves in my life have come to a consensus. Once realizing this, I have not as much confusion over a topic that has been troubling me for quite some time. So now, after countless rephrasing of the same thing from countless people, Heather has finally put it into perspective for me. For one reason or another, I feel like her word is the final word; she's rather unbiased when reflecting back information that concerns my personal life. I'm rather fortunate. I really do worry too much.

My toes are kind of cold and I keep phasing in and out of concentration. This is something that happens more often when I am tired, and I'm sure that I am, but the espresso runs deep and I can't shake it off. I feel kind of grateful for the alone time because I have been staying at dad's house for the past week and a half and I've been surrounded by people mostly (which has been the point). I went back to my apartment today because I remembered I had an electric bill to pay and some dishes that needed to be tended to. At first it was nice, but it was short lived. I don't really know what it is, but I just can't do it.

There is this part of Garden State where Largeman is talking to Sam and to sum it up he says something to the affect of how when you leave your parents home, you never really feel at home again until you establish a family of your own. I think there is a lot of truth in that. Home seems like it should be a place to come to for love. Yes, I love myself...but thats totally not the same thing. Eh, this sounds like I'm complaining, I'm not..its just a thought.

Last weekend, aside from working and doing homework, I basically just spent the rest of my time talking with my dad. I forgot how close we used to be. I remember when I first moved out here, we would talk and hang out all of the time. But, I think as I got older, I got busier, and I think he just keeps getting more bored with his life. But, this weekend it was like old times, talked about everything and bullshitted about The Beatles and a variety of philosophies we've concocted. My dad has done a lot of things that I don't necessarily agree with, and it IS frustrating, but he's also a good man. Dad may be a bit shaky on his parenting skills at times (like many parents are) but he is a great friend. My parents have flaws, but I love them very much.

Well, thats all I've got. Good morning.

Tell Me All Of What You've Heard

I kept thinking about paper cranes last night. I wrote this song once (the only song I've ever really made) and it starts off with a line about paper birds. Then one time Mathew told Lacey to decorate her apartment in paper cranes. Then I started remembering how my dad taught me how to make them when I was about nine years old. For a second I realized that my dad isn't too bad most of the time. He's just not very conventional and he makes mistakes. But anyways, now I really want to learn origami, so I think I'm going to buy some origami paper and watch youtube tutorials, lol. THEN I want to start incorporating them in paintings and projects.

Its kind of weird, but I think its awesome.

Alright, I have to actually finish my Logic paper because its due in a couple of hours.
Peace, Love, and all that other gay shit I adore.<3